It's that time of year

quote of the week
19 - 23 december 2005


And the Grinch, with his Grinch-feet ice cold in the snow, stood puzzling and puzzling, how could it be so? It came without ribbons! It came without tags! It came without packages, boxes, or bags! And he puzzled three hours, 'till his puzzler was sore. Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before! Maybe Christmas, he thought, doesn't come from a store. Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more! ~
-Dr. Seuss

a heidi moment

I am so tired that I have that thudding behind the eyebrow kind of headache. So I stop, even though I’m barely on time, to get a coffee (tall peppermint soy mocha, no whip, but not decaf today). I get to the office, where a Christmas card and candy cane are waiting on my desk. I take a swig. It is only warmish, and certainly not the best I’ve ever had. I look around, using my McGyver-esque skills to attempt to make it palatable, and realize that some candy cane pieces will do the job nicely. So I break off three chunks, drop them in, and swirl. Noticing that the end of the cane was uneven, I nibble at the end of it. It is WATERMELON flavored. A normal looking, red and white candy cane that tastes like a poor imitation of a watermelon. Yuck. Needless to say, I promptly remove the offending chunks, and chug the rest of it to make it go away. The good news is that it didn’t make my stomach hurt like usual.

I decided this morning that I was going to be pleasant and happy if it killed me. So I have my plastic smile on. And it's strange, because I am not unhappy. I have absolutely no reason to be out of sorts, I can only surmise that the lack of mental stimulation is making my brain crazy, and that in order for me to get back to normal, I need to spend as little time as humanly possible in this building. And in the mean time, I will put on my plastic smile, and no one will notice that it's not real. I have never been able to hide my feelings well, and attempting to do so is giving me a stomach ache. I hate feeling so fake.

Being pleasant and ignorable is all one really wants in a receptionist anyway, right? If she keeps the office together doesn't make a stink, and acts like there is nothing else in the world she would rather be doing, (oh, and let's not forget the all-important small talk about the weather) she's performing at the peak of her potential. Heaven forbid wanting a creative outlet or a bit of a challenge. If I can't smile while opening mail and answering ridiculous phone calls, there must be something wrong with me.

So plastic it is. Although I am thinking that bronze might be a more attractive and longer lasting alternative.

preconceived notions

You know how it is when you talk to someone on the phone a lot, and you get this picture of them in your head? For me, it’s never a clear, well-defined image; it’s rather hazy. And then when I meet that person, I am often shocked by how different they are from the haze in my head. The dispatcher at our messenger service came to do a pickup this morning, and I had to disguise my surprise. He was much shorter, rounder, and greyer than I had envisioned. He actually reminded me of one of my mom’s exes. All in all, one of those “hmm” moments in life.

quote of the week

17 - 21 october 2005

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love.

The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.

To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

-- Anne Morriss, Boston MA

why

why is it that when all i want is to live a simple life - home, love, knitting, baking, family - i find myself with two jobs, exhausted, precious little personal time, and still broke? yes, i have chosen this path for the moment, but how did i end up here? is life so expensive that even though i have a "real job" and i live fairly frugally, i must still have two jobs? and then i read about the horrific events in the world and realize that my life, though stressful, is a walk on easy street. there are many people who would gladly trade their life situation for mine, and i wonder how i am so selfish as to think that being tired can compare to losing your home, job, or family?

Cake Day

Cake Day (kaek dae) n. 1. The second Wednesday of every month, observed within the Murray Franklyn Family of Companies to honor those who celebrate a birthday or company anniversary during that month. Three employees are selected to bring a tasty baked good to share with the office. There are approximately ten minutes of “chit chat” and “small talk”, during which people eat (generally) mediocre store bought baked goods before returning to their respective cubicles. 2. An archaic ritual in which people eat food they do not need to eat, and which is only wanted and found necessary by a small, but very vocal, minority.

Quote of the Week

5 - 9 September 2005

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
~Author Unknown

Why I love Northern Minnesota

I saw this sign by the side of the road in Elk River, MN. I couldn't pass it up, so here you are:

I don't like this part

breakups are awful, especially so when there is no incident that caused it. those moments in life when you look honestly at yourself and your partner and conclude that neither of you is at fault, you just aren't looking for the same things, or in this case, are looking for the same things, but can't compromise on how to get them. even if, in your heart of hearts, you know that both of you need things that the other can't give, it hurts to let go. not only am i losing him, i'm losing his family and most of the friends i have made through him. i am losing a man good with children, a generous heart, who has shown me that not all country music is evil, and who is motivated to make a comfortable and happy life for his future family. i want those things, but i also need someone who can respect what i believe and the choices i make, even if he doesn't understand or like them. bottom line: we will miss each other, but we will be ok. we will find people more suited to us, and hopefully can have a smile on our faces when remembering our moments together.

take care of yourself, i miss you

Not all those who wander are lost.

I'm definitely a-wanderin' at the moment - not technically lost, though, because I know where I am, but haven't yet figured out how to get to the place I feel I belong. In searching for the Tolkien quote, I found a plethora of others, some of which have been included here. My heart can't express itself at the moment, so I shall borrow words until I find my own.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
~J.R.R. Tolkien

One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince, 1943

translated from French by Richard Howard

Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey.

~Tad Williams

When "Why not do it?" barely outweights "Why do it?" - don't do it.

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.

~Janis Joplin

Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.

~Dandemis

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.... People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.

~Alice Walker, The Color Purple, 1982

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.

~Author Unknown

You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages.

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.

~Steven D. Woodhull

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

~Dr. Seuss

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

~Benjamin Disraeli

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed.

~Sören Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

~Oscar Wilde

You guys are the best!

I have the best friends in the world - here I am, 2000 miles away, and I haven't seen you for over six months, and yet you don't hesitate when I ask if you can help my mom (who is also fantastic for all of her help) load my stuff onto a truck. How am I so lucky? I have to wonder, and since I know that no answer will be forthcoming, I'm just going to sit back and revel in my good fortune. It's amazing, the people in my life who, even when it's been way too long since we've seen each other, when we get together, it's like we never left. I am so grateful for that, and for you all. The knowledge that if I truly needed one of you, you would be here as fast as humanly possible, leaves me humbled. I only hope that I can live up to your kindness and graciousness when my turn comes to pass it on to someone else.

anticipation is part of the fun, right?

So my mom is going to put the remainder of my worldly possesions in a container tomorrow and have them shipped to me. As of next Friday (hopefully) I will have Officially Moved to Washington. and I will have a real bed to sleep on again! It's sad, because it means that my life in Minnesota is officially part of my childhood, and I'll never again be able to go home to MInnesota. I've felt homeless for a long time, and though I do have my own apartment out here, it doesn't really feel like home. I can't wait for that day, when I can walk through the door and know in my soul that I belong there.

scream

Why is it that when there is one Very Stressful thing in your life, it seems that there are always five more immediatelyt on its heels? These past two weeks have been hugely difficult, with questions about taking a different job and attempting to move - ultimately I decided that where I am is best for the moment. And then there's the .... joy.... of getting across to someone that you really don't want to date them, you're not just saying it for fun. Then there is always the scintillating pleasure of dealing with customers who are the only people on the planet with problems and need them to be solved Right Now.

Luckily, though, I have people looking out for me. One of my delightful friends has written me a script for my conversation with the man who doesn't get it, and we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck.