I decided this morning that I was going to be pleasant and happy if it killed me. So I have my plastic smile on. And it's strange, because I am not unhappy. I have absolutely no reason to be out of sorts, I can only surmise that the lack of mental stimulation is making my brain crazy, and that in order for me to get back to normal, I need to spend as little time as humanly possible in this building. And in the mean time, I will put on my plastic smile, and no one will notice that it's not real. I have never been able to hide my feelings well, and attempting to do so is giving me a stomach ache. I hate feeling so fake.

Being pleasant and ignorable is all one really wants in a receptionist anyway, right? If she keeps the office together doesn't make a stink, and acts like there is nothing else in the world she would rather be doing, (oh, and let's not forget the all-important small talk about the weather) she's performing at the peak of her potential. Heaven forbid wanting a creative outlet or a bit of a challenge. If I can't smile while opening mail and answering ridiculous phone calls, there must be something wrong with me.

So plastic it is. Although I am thinking that bronze might be a more attractive and longer lasting alternative.

preconceived notions

You know how it is when you talk to someone on the phone a lot, and you get this picture of them in your head? For me, it’s never a clear, well-defined image; it’s rather hazy. And then when I meet that person, I am often shocked by how different they are from the haze in my head. The dispatcher at our messenger service came to do a pickup this morning, and I had to disguise my surprise. He was much shorter, rounder, and greyer than I had envisioned. He actually reminded me of one of my mom’s exes. All in all, one of those “hmm” moments in life.

quote of the week

17 - 21 october 2005

The irony of commitment is that it's deeply liberating - in work, in play, in love.

The act frees you from the tyranny of your internal critic, from the fear that likes to dress itself up and parade around as rational hesitation.

To commit is to remove your head as the barrier to your life.

-- Anne Morriss, Boston MA

why

why is it that when all i want is to live a simple life - home, love, knitting, baking, family - i find myself with two jobs, exhausted, precious little personal time, and still broke? yes, i have chosen this path for the moment, but how did i end up here? is life so expensive that even though i have a "real job" and i live fairly frugally, i must still have two jobs? and then i read about the horrific events in the world and realize that my life, though stressful, is a walk on easy street. there are many people who would gladly trade their life situation for mine, and i wonder how i am so selfish as to think that being tired can compare to losing your home, job, or family?

Cake Day

Cake Day (kaek dae) n. 1. The second Wednesday of every month, observed within the Murray Franklyn Family of Companies to honor those who celebrate a birthday or company anniversary during that month. Three employees are selected to bring a tasty baked good to share with the office. There are approximately ten minutes of “chit chat” and “small talk”, during which people eat (generally) mediocre store bought baked goods before returning to their respective cubicles. 2. An archaic ritual in which people eat food they do not need to eat, and which is only wanted and found necessary by a small, but very vocal, minority.

Quote of the Week

5 - 9 September 2005

We are all a little weird and life's a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
~Author Unknown

Why I love Northern Minnesota

I saw this sign by the side of the road in Elk River, MN. I couldn't pass it up, so here you are:

I don't like this part

breakups are awful, especially so when there is no incident that caused it. those moments in life when you look honestly at yourself and your partner and conclude that neither of you is at fault, you just aren't looking for the same things, or in this case, are looking for the same things, but can't compromise on how to get them. even if, in your heart of hearts, you know that both of you need things that the other can't give, it hurts to let go. not only am i losing him, i'm losing his family and most of the friends i have made through him. i am losing a man good with children, a generous heart, who has shown me that not all country music is evil, and who is motivated to make a comfortable and happy life for his future family. i want those things, but i also need someone who can respect what i believe and the choices i make, even if he doesn't understand or like them. bottom line: we will miss each other, but we will be ok. we will find people more suited to us, and hopefully can have a smile on our faces when remembering our moments together.

take care of yourself, i miss you

Not all those who wander are lost.

I'm definitely a-wanderin' at the moment - not technically lost, though, because I know where I am, but haven't yet figured out how to get to the place I feel I belong. In searching for the Tolkien quote, I found a plethora of others, some of which have been included here. My heart can't express itself at the moment, so I shall borrow words until I find my own.

All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost.
The old that is strong does not wither,
Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
~J.R.R. Tolkien

One sees clearly only with the heart. Anything essential is invisible to the eyes.

~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince, 1943

translated from French by Richard Howard

Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself inside your own head. You'll find what you need to furnish it - memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey.

~Tad Williams

When "Why not do it?" barely outweights "Why do it?" - don't do it.

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

Don't compromise yourself. You're all you've got.

~Janis Joplin

Do not condemn the judgment of another because it differs from your own. You may both be wrong.

~Dandemis

I think it pisses God off if you walk by the color purple in a field somewhere and don't notice it.... People think pleasing God is all God care about. But any fool living in the world can see it always trying to please us back.

~Alice Walker, The Color Purple, 1982

Never miss an opportunity to make others happy, even if you have to leave them alone in order to do it.

~Author Unknown

You will turn over many a futile new leaf till you learn we must all write on scratched-out pages.

~Mignon McLaughlin, The Neurotic's Notebook, 1960

You've got a lot of choices. If getting out of bed in the morning is a chore and you're not smiling on a regular basis, try another choice.

~Steven D. Woodhull

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.

~Dr. Seuss

Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.

~Benjamin Disraeli

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent.

~Eleanor Roosevelt

The greatest hazard of all, losing one's self, can occur very quietly in the world, as if it were nothing at all. No other loss can occur so quietly; any other loss - an arm, a leg, five dollars, a wife, etc. - is sure to be noticed.

~Sören Kierkegaard, The Sickness Unto Death

Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves like locked rooms and like books that are written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will find them gradually, without noticing it, and live along some distant day into the answer.

~Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.

~Oscar Wilde

You guys are the best!

I have the best friends in the world - here I am, 2000 miles away, and I haven't seen you for over six months, and yet you don't hesitate when I ask if you can help my mom (who is also fantastic for all of her help) load my stuff onto a truck. How am I so lucky? I have to wonder, and since I know that no answer will be forthcoming, I'm just going to sit back and revel in my good fortune. It's amazing, the people in my life who, even when it's been way too long since we've seen each other, when we get together, it's like we never left. I am so grateful for that, and for you all. The knowledge that if I truly needed one of you, you would be here as fast as humanly possible, leaves me humbled. I only hope that I can live up to your kindness and graciousness when my turn comes to pass it on to someone else.

anticipation is part of the fun, right?

So my mom is going to put the remainder of my worldly possesions in a container tomorrow and have them shipped to me. As of next Friday (hopefully) I will have Officially Moved to Washington. and I will have a real bed to sleep on again! It's sad, because it means that my life in Minnesota is officially part of my childhood, and I'll never again be able to go home to MInnesota. I've felt homeless for a long time, and though I do have my own apartment out here, it doesn't really feel like home. I can't wait for that day, when I can walk through the door and know in my soul that I belong there.

scream

Why is it that when there is one Very Stressful thing in your life, it seems that there are always five more immediatelyt on its heels? These past two weeks have been hugely difficult, with questions about taking a different job and attempting to move - ultimately I decided that where I am is best for the moment. And then there's the .... joy.... of getting across to someone that you really don't want to date them, you're not just saying it for fun. Then there is always the scintillating pleasure of dealing with customers who are the only people on the planet with problems and need them to be solved Right Now.

Luckily, though, I have people looking out for me. One of my delightful friends has written me a script for my conversation with the man who doesn't get it, and we'll see how it goes. Wish me luck.

Joyous Christmahanukwanzukkah

I admit that I stole that from a TV commercial, but I found it such a fitting testament to our modern politically correct world that I couldn't resist.

My long silence is due to the happy fact that I have a job and a new apartment, which for the moment does not have internet access...I'm working on that, though. The debate between DSL and cable connections rages on, without much of a conclusion, at least as far as I can tell.

This Christmas season has been strange - It's the first year that I will not be with my family for the holidays, and that has been harder for me than I imagined it would. Being in a new place, away from my childhood and college traditions, and settling into a new job and a new apartment has made this year very un-Christmas-y. I am proud, though, because I bought a tree and put it up all by myself. It was quite a fiasco, involving a too-small saw and a lot of elbow grease. Sharon sent me my Christmas tree ornaments, so I have more than just generic colored balls on it! My stocking is hung by the chimney with care, and I have it on good authority that it will tomorrow will find it full of treats.

I'm sending my love and happy thoughts to "my people", where ever you may find yourselves. I leave you with part of my favorite book - The Prophet by Kahlil Gibran

Merry Christmas, may the spirit of peace and joy be with you now and always.

And a youth said, "Speak to us of Friendship."
Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love and reap with thanksgiving.
And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger, and you seek him for peace.
When your friend speaks his mind you fear not the "nay" in your own mind, nor do you withhold the "ay."
And when he is silent your heart ceases not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts, all desires, all expectations are born and shared, with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most in him may be clearer in his absence, as the mountain to the climber is clearer from the plain.
And let there be no purpose in friendship save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth: and only the unprofitable is caught.
And let your best be for your friend.
If he must know the ebb of your tide, let him know its flood also.
For what is your friend that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need, but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

How does 8 days in Italy sound?

The good news is, while I still don't have a "Real" job, I'm training to be a travel agent! I'm half done with the training, and I"m enjoying it very much. The idea that I can help others take amazing vacations while getting new and fantastic ideas for my own travel is so exciting. Even better, since I'll be working from home, I"ll be able to have a 3/4 time or full time job (with benefits) while I'm building up a client base and really getting into the swing of things. So if you are looking for help with ideas for your next vacation or help with booking it, let me know!

The lamest explanation in history for not hiring someone:

I had an interview on Friday for a receptionist position at a chiropractors' office. It went reasonably well, it was short, but we seemed to connect (at least as much as possible in 10-15 minutes) in a good way. My employment agency woman said she would call later that day. When she still hadn't called at 5.20 pm, I figured I would call, maybe she had just forgotten. She said that none of the four candidates met their criteria, which was fine, because not everyone is right for every job...and then I asked if they had given any reasons. She said, "I think this is really unfair, but the main thing they said about you - no, the only thing they said about you - and the woman who was immediately after you was that when you came into the room and sat down, you sat up very straight and had good posture. They weren't sure that you would fit into their more relaxed office environment." That is a load of shit in my opinion. If you don't want to hire me because you think I'm too inexperienced, or because I am too young, or because I'm under/overqualified, that is just fine with me. I may not agree, but I can't argue with that. But to say that I sat up too straight? Ridiculous!

So tell me, why should we hire you?

That question is fast approaching the top of my "least favorite interview questions" list.

The job search experience has been, on the whole, positive. While it it certainly not something I will be doing just for fun in the coming years, it is good for my self esteem to hear complete strangers telling me how smart and capable I am, without even having seen what I can really do! I tend to think that I'm a rather average, if eccentric and quirky, person. Apparently, I have been wrong in that assumption. The woman I was working with today was an absolute gem. She, and just about everyone in their office, was so impressed with my personality and educational background and my all-important Test Scores (the MS Word, MS Excel, and typing proficiency tests). Most of the time I feel that my lack of Real work experience, for a Real employer (You're always Real to me, Kristi, you know that!), with a Real salary, and lasting for more than 9 months at a stretch, is all anyone sees when they look at my resume. I discovered something interesting and rather refreshing today: there are employers that care enough about their companies to hire good people, in spite of a lack of background, and train them, rather than just hiring someone because they have qualifications on paper. I will be so delighted when I find a job that I will feel good about getting up every day to go to. And not only because it will mean that I'm done filling out application forms (for now!), although it does astound me how many times one can write the same information about one's previous employers and still not have memorized it all. To be able to earn a living while making someone else's day brighter is what would make a job good for me. To know that I've made a difference, to even one person. And so I go to my job interview tomorrow with my best smile and crossed fingers, all of the wonderful things that have been said about me ringing in my ears (and hopefully theirs too!)

But don't you worry, I won't let all of the praise go to my head, I promise.

not a great photo, but not bad for one taken from a phone...

The very beginning, a very good place to start...

After talking to a friend online today, I discovered the wonders of the weblog. Up to this point, I had been skeptical of the idea, but who knows, I may come over to the dark side...This is definitely more pleasant than mass emails. Happy Tuesday!